X-Rated Christmas with St. Nick

Verse 1

Soot on his fingers, big boots on the floor

Santa bursts in yellin’ “Move, ya damn bore!”

Greasy red suit, stains down the front

Tracks mud through the parlor, then smacks his own rump

Chorus

It’s an X-rated Christmas, Santa’s out of his tree

Cursing at the carolers, guzzling whiskey with glee

He’s flippin’ the bird from the top of my roof

Laughin’ and hollerin’ til the cops need proof

Chorus

Well it’s an X-rated Christmas and St Nick’s gone wild

Stuffin’ stockings deeper, grinnin’ like a wicked child

Santa’s sippin’ whiskey, got his beard on fire

Jingle all the way, but he’s never getting tired

Verse 2

Down the chimney he comes, tracking mud on the mat

Belting out curses, and slapping my cat

Sprinkling ash on the cookies, smirking so wide

Yells "Merry damn Christmas! Now where’s my pie?"

Pre-Chorus

He’s cackling with glee while the snow turns to slush

Drops his bag in the hallway, then takes a big flush

Boots on the sofa, cigar in his grip

Yelling "Ho ho hell!" and swinging his hips

Chorus

It’s an X-rated Christmas, old Saint Nick’s here to stay

Swearing like a sailor, til the reindeer run away

Verse 3

He spits on my tinsel, burps loud in my ear

Spiking the eggnog, knocks over my beer

Tells filthy old stories ‘bout elves on the make

Throws nuts at my aunt, then farts in the cake

Chorus

It’s an X-rated Christmas, Saint Nick lost control

Unwrapping disaster, making grandma’s eyes roll

Verse 4

Santa’s pissing in the punch bowl, calls Rudolph a slob

Lights up a fat one, starts mooning my job

Grabs mistletoe with mischief, blows ash in my drink

Calls the neighbors dumb bastards and throws up in the sink

Chorus

It’s an X-rated Christmas, the scandal won’t stop

Santa’s raising pure hell, giving cops a belly flop

Snow’s packed with footprints, and secrets all spilled

That filthy old bastard just lives for the thrill

Verse 5

He’s pissing on garland, and biting the head off a bear

Socks on my table, turkey grease in his hair

Yelling at children, “Get bent, you little turds!”

Stuffing wrapping in toilets, then flipping the bird

Chorus

It’s an X-rated Christmas, no angel in sight

Santa’s running amok til the break of daylight