a Christmas box of astronauts, straight from the toy stand

Intro

(SFX: crackling record, faint sleigh bells, the band tunes up)

It’s Christmas in ‘57, I light one up slow

Tinsel and whiskey, and snow on the window

Nephews all giggling, faces just glow

“Uncle Derek, what’s Christmas? You got stories to show?”

Verse 1

Fine, come here you little buggers, cozy up by the rug

I’ll tell you a story that’ll make you spit eggnog

Back then I was thirty-three, dumb as dogshit and proud

Had a brand-new toy set, toys loud and unbowed

There was an astronaut, helmet shiny and blue

A chimpanzee pilot, god knows what he’d do

And a rocket so tiny, but meaner than sin

Didn’t know I’d be shoving ‘em all right in

Pre-Chorus

Before dinner was served, before carols began

I’d cracked open bottles and ruined the plan

But you want to know ‘why?’—well listen in awe

How Derek got famous for stuffing his craw

Chorus

You kids wanna know ‘bout the Christmas of shame

Unearthly little toys, a holiday so profane

Yes I’ll tell you, ‘cause your folks let me babysit

How astronaut Derek ended up in the s**t

Verse 2

It started off merry, a gift in my hand

A box of astronauts, straight from the toy stand

A chimpanzee tiny, rocket ship small

I thought I’d show off, not knowing I’d fall

Pre-Chorus

‘Cause whiskey and Christmas don’t mix well, it’s true

Curiosity got me, and so did the booze

What started as giggles turned pain in a flash

Next thing you know, I’m making a dash

Chorus

Doctor says, Derek, can you explain this to me

There’s a cosmonaut wedged in places they shouldn’t be

And your poor little rocket took off with a scream

Straight up your pecker, it’s worse than it seems

Verse 3

Now the chimpanzee’s somewhere far up my nose

I sneezed and I wept, ‘til the hospital froze

Doc shakes his head, writes it off as a tale

“Don’t stick Christmas cheer where your body is frail!”

Outro

So gather ‘round boys, here’s a lesson for free

Keep your toys on the table, far from anatomy

Take it from Derek, still walking with shame

That astronaut’s orbit just won’t be the same

The nurse in the ward gave a look full of spite

Muttered, “Christ, every Christmas is ruined by night”

So now every year, when I’m sipping on gin

I shudder at rockets and plastic chimp grin

Let this be a warning, to bold grown-up fools

Your nephews’ll laugh, but hospitals have rules

Those toys brought me grief and a handful of dread

Next Christmas I’m gifting them socks instead

Verse 4

They fished with their forceps and yanked at my pride

Derek in stirrups, wanting somewhere to hide

A chorus of surgeons just stifled their roars

As they pulled out a monkey and checked one more floor

Bridge

An intern with gloves said "He’s packed full of toys!

Did Santa get hammered and mix up the boys?"

They jotted my X-ray for all staff to see

“Next holiday party, don’t be like this dweeb!”

Finale

And now if you visit that hospital ward

You’ll hear my misfortune recited with glee

"That’s Derek the Dipshit, from Christmas before —

Who stuffed his old jingle with toys meant for

Coda

So now every stocking I hang on the wall

I check for small objects, I eyeball them all

Forget mistletoe, it’s the ER for me

With tales of my rocketship surgery

Verse 5

My nephews still snicker when Santa appears

They draw little spaceships and chimp butts in beers

So if you see Derek avoiding the tree

It’s ‘cause holiday toys ain’t as fun as they seem

Tag

So pour one for Derek, Christmas’ disgrace

Never trust presents, and keep booze off your face

‘Cause nothing feels festive with plastic up your rear

Merry f***ing Christmas, and a pain-free New Year

Verse 6

Now every December I dread all the fuss

My nephews keep snorting, they can’t get enough

They tell every cousin who’s willing to hear

How their uncle played doctor with holiday cheer

Outro 2

I walk down the ward and the nurses just clap

"That’s the guy with the rocket up where you crap!"

The janitor winks, the staff hide their grins

I’m the punchline at Christmas, the butt of my sins

Tag 2

So if you get gifts that are smaller than nuts

Keep ‘em off your privates and far from your guts

Derek’s a warning for all festive men

No astronaut’s landing that deep in me again

Verse 7

Now every damn Christmas my legend just grows

Got drawings from hospitals taped to my clothes

Cousins give rockets and chimps in a box

My family loves trauma more than cheap scotch

Bridge 2

Even Santa avoids me, he’s changed his damn route

The elves take a swig when my name gets brought out

Mrs. Claus sent a note, with a laugh and a sneer

"Keep your sleigh outta bodies, till the New Year"

Outro 3

So here’s my confession as carols wind down

Still can’t look at tinsel, let alone leave the town

A warning for rebels with gin in their cup

Don’t put gifts inside places where gifts can get stuck

Fade Out

Now nephews are cackling, I hear them each year

"Oh Derek, you nutter, pass a bottle of cheer!"

May your baubles stay festive, your rockets unwrap

And remember: keep Christmas out your arse crack