Lyrics
[Intro]
Alright alright, settle down. Settle down, thank you, thank you.
[Verse 1]
So listen. And I know what you're thinking already.
I can see some of you looking at each other sideways.
But folks, I got a confession to make tonight.
I got that Hawk Tuah girl locked in my basement.
Now before you call the cops, hear me out.
[Verse 2]
Technically she's not locked. The door just don't open from her side.
And technically it's not a basement. It's a mood-lit storage space.
And technically she's not mine. She's borrowed. On a long-term lease.
So we're fine. We're totally, completely, legally fine.
[Chorus-ish]
Look it's not weird, it's not weird at all.
We play board games and she's really good at Scrabble.
She always wins though. Which makes me wonder who's really in charge.
Honestly I think she runs the whole operation down there.
[Verse 1]
She's got her own little TV. She picked it out herself.
And a lava lamp. She's got preferences now, okay.
She asked for a weighted blanket once. For the vibe.
Excuse me, but is that the sound of a prisoner? No. That's self-care.
[Chorus-ish]
So don't act like you've never kept a celebrity.
My grandma kept every coupon ever printed. That's hoarding.
I keep one internet moment and suddenly I'm the villain.
The double standard in this country is staggering.
[Verse 2]
And honestly she's cool with it. We've got a rapport.
She does these little stand-up bits for me. She's funnier than me.
Which is deeply awkward when you're the one on stage.
I get heckled by my own basement guest. On a loop. Every night.
[Chorus-ish]
So anyway, that's my life. That's the whole situation.
Appreciate the concern. Appreciate the love.
If you need me I'll be here doing my thing.
And she'll be down there winning Scrabble. Again. Always winning.