TalkLine 1 No Friends

Good evening, you’re listening to us live. I’m glad you’re here with me tonight. We’ve got the lines open, and if you’ve been holding something in, you can call and say it out loud here. No pressure, no judgment. Just a voice on the other end.

right, I think we’ve got someone. You’re on air.

Caller: Hi— wait, no, I’m sorry. I don’t think I should be calling.

Host: That’s okay. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.

Caller: I just… I sound so ridiculous.

Host: You don’t have to explain. Take a breath.

Caller: I’m sorry.

Host: No apologies. We can just sit here for a moment.

long pause

I don't really know what I'm doing, sorry. I'm 25, and I feel like I've spent my whole life missing something everybody else got naturally. Friends. A boyfriend. Just... people. I don't have that. And I keep thinking, if this is how it is now, what happens when it's too late? What if I run out of time to have a family? What if I miss that too?

Host: That sounds like a very heavy fear to carry.

Caller: It is. It sits in my chest all day. I wake up and I try to act normal, and I go through my day, and I smile when I'm supposed to smile, but inside I'm a wreck. I see other girls and they have friends, they have dates, they have people who choose them. And I go home and it's just me. Always me. And I keep thinking, what is wrong with me?

Host:

Host: Nothing is wrong with you.

Caller: It sure feels like something is. I try so hard to be okay with it, but then I’ll hear somebody talking about their boyfriend, or their wedding, or their baby, and I just feel this awful wave of… sadness. Really deep sadness. Like I’m being left behind in real time.

Host: Mm.

Caller: That thought just sits on me. And I know I’m supposed to be calm about it, or accept it, or pretend it doesn’t matter so much, but it does. It really does.

Host: Of course it does.

Caller:

voice tightening

I don’t even know how to talk about it without crying.

small shaky breath

I just feel… left out of life. Like everyone else got invited and I didn’t. And I keep wondering what’s wrong with me. Why I’m the one who’s always alone. Why nobody reaches for me. Why no one seems to stay.

Host: That hurts.

Caller: Yeah. It does.

pause, voice breaking

And then I feel ashamed for even being this upset, because people have real problems. But this is my real problem. This emptiness. This feeling that I’m watching my own life from outside of it.

Host: I hear how deep that goes.

Caller:

crying begins softly

I really wanted to have someone. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to have a person and a place and a future that didn’t feel like it was slipping away from me.

Host: Mm… yeah.

Caller:

crying harder

And I keep thinking maybe it’s too late. Maybe I’m already too far behind. Maybe by the time I figure it out, there won’t be time for the rest of it. For love, for kids, for any of it.

Host: That fear is very real.

Caller:

sobbing

I don’t want to be the girl who ends up alone.

Host: You’ve been holding this in a long time.

Caller: I have.

long exhale

I think I just needed to say it to someone who wouldn’t laugh at me.

Host: I’m very glad you called.

Caller: I almost didn’t.

Host: I know. But you did.

Caller:

quieter now

I feel a little lighter. Still sad, but… lighter.

Host: Good.

Caller: I don’t think I’m fixed or anything.

Host: You don’t have to be.

Caller: I just… I don’t feel as alone right this second.

Host:

Host: That’s enough for tonight.

Caller: Well.. ..thank you.

Host: I’m going to have to let you go in a moment, but I’m really glad you trusted us with this.

Caller: Okay.

Host: Keep being gentle with yourself tonight, all right?

Caller: I’ll try.

Host: That’s all I wanted to hear. Take care.