I Ain't Calling In To Work Today, Bitches

Verse 1

Woke up and my ceiling fan's auditioning for a play

Neighbors in my mailbox, whispering "run away"

My toast is growing antlers, it winked and then it mooed

And the fridge just challenged me to a hula hoop duel

Pre-Chorus

There's glitter in my eyebrows, my coffee cup's a boat

If HR sends an email, tell them my shoes just learned to float

Chorus

I ain't calling in to work today, bitches

Boss can keep on dialing but I'm gone

Got a thousand-tailed chicken in the kitchen, doing dishes

And a lizard singing backup to my lawn

Post-Chorus

Oh oh, oh oh, no way today

Oh oh, oh oh, not leaving my brain

Verse 2

Email's screaming binary and chewing on my phone

Clock is melting off the wall and chatting with my clone

There's a parade of pineapples squawking in the hall

And my couch just asked me out to the shopping mall

Pre-Chorus

My teeth are made of bubblegum, my slippers wear tiny hats

If corporate calls, just tell them I'm busy with my talking rats

Chorus

I ain't calling in to work today, bitches

My stapler's tap-dancing on a sinkhole

The curtains turned into sea creatures, wiggles and switches

And the sandwich keeps demanding payroll

Post-Chorus

Oh oh, oh oh, no way today

Oh oh, oh oh, not leaving my brain

Bridge

The blender's spitting riddles with a monocle and cape

A flock of rubber chickens just blocked off my fire escape

Ceiling tiles are polka-dots, waltzing to the horns

And the bathtub's bubbling bigfoot conspiracy forms

Verse 3

My goldfish is a lobbyist, campaigning for more snacks

The mailbox filed a grievance and the chairs all want their tax

Venetian blinds are moonwalking, desk lamp wears a tiara

HR sent a pigeon but it sternly reads the Torah

Pre-Chorus

My plants request a conference call, my clock's now fluent Greek

If anyone needs me, I'm hiding from my lava-spewing sink

Chorus

I ain't calling in to work today, bitches

The Roomba just eloped with the broom

Heard a tambourine election in my stitches

And the mirror's got a 5 PM cartoon

Post-Chorus

Oh oh, oh oh, not showing my face

Oh oh, oh oh, lost in my place