This Is Why I'm Single

It's Friday night, I've got nowhere to be.

Netflix is loaded.

The bottle is leaking.

And apparently, I've got the survival instincts of a fucking raccoon.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!

I bought a bottle at the corner store,

Didn't know what the hell I bought it for.

Got Netflix playing something romantic,

Five minutes later, shit got problematic.

My underwear's somewhere down the hall,

There's a weird-ass noise coming from the wall.

I had a plan, but I lost the plot,

And now I'm sweating in a parking lot.

And I don't know what went wrong,

But this night is taking way too long.

My dignity is fucking dead,

And there's a remote control beneath the bed!

WE GOT NETFLIX! (HEY!)

WE GOT THE BOTTLE! (HEY!)

WE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT TO LOSE!

BAD IDEAS! (HEY!)

NO REGRETS! (HEY!)

THIS IS THE DUMBEST NIGHT WE'VE HAD YET!

AND I'M NOT SORRY!

I'M JUST CONFUSED!

WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS MUCH IN THE ROOM?!

NETFLIX AND CHILL TURNED INTO A CRIME SCENE!

THE WORST GODDAMN NIGHT OF MY LIFE AT EIGHTEEN!

I sent my ex a picture of my face,

She said, "What the fuck? Are you in outer space?"

My best friend called, I let it ring,

I'm too damn busy regretting everything.

There's pizza grease on the bedroom floor,

A neighbor's banging on the fucking door.

I told him everything was fine,

But he saw the bottle and declined to make eye contact this time.

WE GOT NETFLIX! (HEY!)

WE GOT UB! (HEY!)

WE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT TO LOSE!

BAD IDEAS! (HEY!)

NO REGRETS! (HEY!)

THIS IS THE DUMBEST NIGHT WE'VE HAD YET!

AND I'M NOT SORRY!

I'M JUST CONFUSED!

WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS MUCH IN THE ROOM?!

NETFLIX AND CHILL TURNED INTO A CRIME SCENE!

THE WORST GODDAMN NIGHT OF MY LIFE AT EIGHTEEN!

I woke up with a headache,

A strange tattoo,

A shopping cart outside,

And someone else's shoe.

My mother called at seven,

I said I'm doing fine,

She asked why there's a bottle

Of lubricant on my online shopping line.

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!

(You're drinking next weekend!)

I'M NEVER TEXTING MY EX!

(You already did!)

I'M NEVER BUYING THAT SHIT!

(There's two more bottles!)

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

WE GOT NETFLIX! (HEY!)

WE GOT THE BOTTLE! (HEY!)

WE GOT A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT TO LOSE!

BAD IDEAS! (HEY!)

NO REGRETS! (HEY!)

I'M NOT EVEN FINISHED MAKING BAD DECISIONS YET!

AND I'M STILL SINGLE!

MY LIFE'S A MESS!

MY THERAPIST IS GONNA NEED A FUCKING STRESS TEST!

NETFLIX AND CHILL, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIE!

I'M NEVER GONNA FUCKING LEARN AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!

Are you still watching?

Yeah.

It's been 14 hours.

Mind your fucking business.