wrestling around the Christmas tree

Intro

Here we go, fists up, suits a mess and snotty

Jack Daniels in the eggnog, cousin’s mouth is potty

Grandpa’s dentures flying, already half-past rude

Get your damn claws outta the pie, breakin’ out the attitude

Verse 0

Lights tangled on the banister, someone’s yelling "fight"

Uncle Stan’s tights ripped open, what a helluva sight

Red punch sprayed on the tree skirt, socks sticky with gin

Nobody’s getting presents till someone taps and gives in

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, tossin’ Aunt Flo for fun

Uncle Joe’s got Grandpa locked, suplexes being spun

The ornaments get shattered, someone’s hair is in the punch

Sent Ma flying through the tinsel, what a goddamned wild bunch

Verse 1

Kickin’ the presents with fury and cheer

Elbows in stockings, cracked a veneer

Broke a damn chair over cousin Lou’s back

Sweat and pine needles stuck to my crack

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, wine stains on the rug

Dad’s in the dogpile looking smug as a bug

The ham’s in the corner, mashed potatoes on the floor

The cat’s been hit with a folding chair, hear that bastard roar

Verse 2

Rippin’ my shirt, Aunt Sally screams, she’s caught in a headlock tight

Grandma's biting ankles, Grandpa’s swinging left and right

Tinsel-tied broken noses and spilled eggnog in the fray

Screaming Merry Christmas every godforsaken way

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, someone’s ass in the pie

Saw Uncle Barry hit the fireplace, damn near lost an eye

That angel on the treetop took a helluva dive

Eggnog-soaked chaos—don’t know how we survive

Verse 3

Boots through the presents, swearin’ up a storm

Cousin Rick’s screamin’ bloody murder, sweater’s ripped and torn

Santa’s hat got flung out the window, Grandpa flips the bird

Unholy, holy night—most messed-up shit you’ve ever heard

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, broken teeth in the dip

Nana’s cussing out the grandkids, takes a swing, but slips

Garland’s wrapped around the toilet, blood on the TV screen

Merry goddamn Christmas, the filthiest shit you’ve ever seen

Verse 4

Slamming plum pudding, icing sprayed through the hall

Mouthful of tinsel, someone’s drunk and crawls

Cursing at silent night, someone’s pants caught fire

Reindeer went through the window, this dumpster fire won’t tire

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, gravy stuck in my hair

Auntie brawling with the turkey, both went down the stairs

The damn dog’s got the wishbone, someone’s puking up the yams

Eggshells in the stocking, nobody gives a damn

Verse 5

Roasted chestnuts flying, burn marks on the wall

Mom’s throwing ornaments, cousin’s wrecking the hall

Slurs and obscenities flying with cheer

Merry frickin’ Christmas—let’s brawl again next year

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, gravy stuck in my hair

Auntie brawling with the turkey, both went down the stairs

The damn dog’s got the wishbone, someone’s puking up the yams

Eggshells in the stocking, nobody gives a damn

Verse 5

Roasted chestnuts flying, burn marks on the wall

Mom’s throwing ornaments, cousin’s wrecking the hall

Slurs and obscenities flying with cheer

Merry frickin’ Christmas—let’s brawl again next year

Chorus

Wrestlin’ around the Christmas tree, gravy stuck in my hair

Auntie brawling with the turkey, both went down the stairs

The damn dog’s got the wishbone, someone’s puking up the yams

Eggshells in the stocking, nobody gives a damn

Verse 5

Roasted chestnuts flying, burn marks on the wall

Mom’s throwing ornaments, cousin’s wrecking the hall

Slurs and obscenities flying with cheer

Merry frickin’ Christmas—let’s brawl again next year