Lyrics
You ever notice how we decided, as a species, that the bunny is the "innocent" animal? The soft one. The Easter one. We put him on greeting cards next to babies and rainbows. Meanwhile this same animal is out there multiplying like a cult, eating your garden down to the dirt, and staring at you the whole time like "what are you gonna do about it."
That's a killer. That's a killer with good PR.
Think about it — nature's serial killers all look the part. Shark? Looks like a torpedo full of teeth. Wolf? Looks like your worst 3 am thought. But the rabbit? Big eyes, little nose, fuzzy tail — they hired the same ad agency that does baby shampoo. It's camouflage, folks. Not the fur — the cuteness. Cuteness is the greatest camouflage ever developed by evolution, and the rabbit perfected it. He doesn't need to hide in the bushes. He hides in your heart.
And don't give me this "but they're herbivores" nonsense. So was every diktator's economic policy — "we just want the land." A rabbit doesn't need teeth like a lion because he's not hunting you, he's hunting your future. Your garden. Your lawn. Your retirement plan of tomato plants. He's not going for the jugular, he's going for the root system. That's worse! That's patient evil! A shark just wants a snack — a rabbit wants your whole growing season.
And the breeding! "Breeds like a rabbit" — we say that like it's a joke, like it's cute. That's not cute, that's a population strategy for world domination. You know what else breeds fast and takes over territory with no natural predators and a friendly face? I'm not gonna say it, but it starts with "franchise" and ends with "coffee shop on every corner."
We even gave them a holiday. Nobody gave the wolf a holiday. Nobody's out here hiding chocolate wolves in the yard for children to find. But the bunny — the bunny gets a whole spring holiday built around a magical version of himself that lays eggs, which, by the way, rabbits do not do, they are mammals, but we didn't even bother fact-checking him because we were so charmed by the ears.
That's the genius of the killer bunny. He doesn't ask you to trust him. He doesn't have to. You just do. You see the nose twitch, the little paws, and every red flag in your brain goes quiet. Meanwhile behind the toolshed there's a rabbit summit happening, they're carving up your begonias like it's the Yalta Conference.
I'm not saying panic. I'm not saying arm yourselves against the Easter Bunny. I'm saying — next time something's small, and soft, and everybody agrees it's harmless... that's exactly when you should start asking questions. Because the wolf never fooled anybody.
The bunny fooled everybody.