The Diarrhea Story - Stand Up Comedy

My fellow Americans,

Tonight, I stand before you to address a national emergency. Not war. Not the economy. Not aliens.

I’m talking about taking a massive, soul-shaking shit inside the White House and then being forced—by fate, by food, by God himself—to go shit in the damn street.

Let me explain.

Earlier today, I ate Brazilian food. Delicious. Incredible. Spicy as hell. The kind of food that tastes like a celebration and then turns your intestines into a goddamn demolition site. Empanadas, feijoada, hot sauce that whispers “you’re fucked” as you swallow it.

At first, things seemed fine. Normal. Presidential, even. Then—boom.

My stomach said, “Hey buddy, we’re about to ruin your whole fucking day.”

I made it to the White House bathroom. Barely.

That toilet fought bravely.

It lost.

What happened in there was not a bowel movement—it was a biological incident. A shitstorm of historic proportions. The kind of shit that makes you question democracy, your diet, and every life choice you’ve ever made.

And folks… it didn’t stop.

Security said, “Mr. President, are you okay?”

I said, “No. I am absolutely not fucking okay.”

So there I was. Leader of the free world. Sweating. Clenching. Praying. And then reality hit:

I was not going to make it.

So yes. I went outside.

Yes. Onto the street.

Yes. Like a goddamn animal betrayed by Brazilian seasoning.

Was it dignified? Hell no.

Was it patriotic? Also no.

But was it necessary? You’re goddamn right it was.

Some will say this is embarrassing.

Some will say this is unpresidential.

I say: shut the fuck up. Every American has been there—maybe not outside the White House, but spiritually? Absolutely.

This is transparency. This is leadership. This is what happens when you eat amazing food and your asshole files a formal complaint.

So tonight, let this be a lesson:

Respect Brazilian food

Never trust a quiet stomach

And never assume power makes you immune to violent, unforgiving diarrhea

God bless you.

God bless America.

And God bless whoever has to clean that sidewalk.

Thank you—and I’m gonna lie down now.