comedy sketch

So I'm sitting there the other night trying to explain to my buddy why relationships are complicated, and he looks at me and goes, "What's the difference between a GEE-spot and a golf ball?" I tell him most guys will look for a golf ball and still lose both, which made him laugh so hard he almost spilled his drink. Then I started thinking about my own marriage, because my wife is mad our neighbor keeps sunbathing undressed, and personally I'm on the fence, which gives me a better view. "She doesn't know I've been out there pretending to trim the hedges for an hour."

That reminded me of a guy I know who got pulled over, and the cop says, "Hey, your wife fell out of the car a mile ago," and the guy goes, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf," and the cop just stood there blinking. This other story popped into my head about a woman on her deathbed who asks her husband for one last wish, and she says, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Lisa," and he says, "I thought you hated Lisa," and she says, "I do," and she smiled for the first time in weeks. Which is almost as bad as when my friend's wife asked him to talk dirty, and he goes, "Sure, the bathroom, the kitchen, and the laundry, for starters," and she hasn't spoken to him since. "That led to the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his throat", and now he's got a stiff neck and a very awkward doctor's appointment. Then somebody at the bar asked, "What's long, hard, and full of sea-men?" and I said, "A submarine, or last Friday night," and the whole table lost it. Which made me remember why there isn't a pregnant Barbie, because Ken came in another box and never called. ------Then this guy started telling us what Nala said to Simba in bed, which was "Move fasta," and he still hasn't recovered. ------That turned into Cinderella asking Prince Charming, "Want to see if it fits?" and he said yes and lost a shoe. Somehow we got onto how Burger King got Dairy Queen pregnant, because he forgot to wrap his Whopper, and now they both need a drive-thru. The waitress walked by and asked, "What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?" and I told her one's a Goodyear, the other's a great year, and a lot of explaining.. Then the toaster said to the slice of bread, "I want you inside me," and the bread said, "Not until you warm up." By this point I'm just telling stories about how a woman's affair is a moment of weakness, and a man's is a moment of hardness, and then he blames the whiskey. My buddy leans over and goes, "Honey, were you being serious when you said I'm the only one you've ever been with?" and she says, "Yes babe, I promise, all the others were eights and nines," and he still checks the math. That made me think about the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss, one is on the lips, the other's down under, and both require a passport. Then somebody asked how you spot a blind person at a clothing-less beach, and I said, "It's not hard, especially if you're looking." The conversation shifted to why it takes 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg, because they won't stop to ask for directions, and none of them bring snacks. And why the sperm crossed the road, because I put on the wrong sock this morning, and it was in a hurry. The receptionist at the sperm bank says, "Thanks for coming, and try not to be late next time." Then we talked about how men are like microwaves, they get hot in a minute and won't stop beeping until you take them out, and they never clean themselves. MAKING LOVE in an elevator is wrong on so many levels, and the camera always catches it. The difference between kinky and perverted is, kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, and perverted is when you use the whole bird, and then you ask for a second one. Why mermaids wear seashells, "because B-shells are too small", - and they still complain about the fit. What you should do if your wife starts smoking is slow down and maybe offer her a light. --- Then this woman at the table says, "I slept with my husband before we got married, did you?" and the other woman says, "I'm not sure, what's his name?" and then she wrote it down.