The White Person Grunt

Intro

(Audience laughter fades)

Stand-Up Opening

Okay so real talk

Have you noticed

The way white people just

Do sounds

Ronin

Watch a guy load a dishwasher

Eughh

Shifting a couch three inches

Hnnngg

Flipping a pancake

Whuh

That's a whole symphony

Audience Laughter

And the groceries

Every single bag

Ooff

The heavy one

Uhhh

The eggs

OOOH

Seven different grunts before the door even closes

Bit

Fixing a ceiling fan

Standing on a chair

Losing his balance

Nothing even happens

And still

Eeyoo

That's the sound of pure whiteness

A tiny little yell

For a nothing event

Audience Laughter

Walking through a parking garage

Bouncing those keys

Eugh eugh

Pulling a suitcase up one stair

Eh eh eh

Zipping a winter coat

Nnnn

I can't breathe

Closing Bit

So next time you see one

Just grunt along

You'll fit right in

Eughh

(Whites unite)

Eughh