CHUPACABRA PROBLEMS

Intro – Spoken

Okay, so listen.

I was in Mexico, right?

Everybody kept telling me about this goat-sucking monster.

I didn't believe them.

Until bro showed up at my Airbnb.

Verse 1

Woke up in the morning, heard a noise in the yard,

Grandma said, "¡El Chupacabras!" I said, "That can't be hard."

Grabbed a flashlight, grabbed a baseball bat,

Went outside looking like a budget Batman.

Got a little goat named Roberto,

Little dude was chilling, eating Doritos.

Then I saw something with a weird-looking face,

Skinny little body and it ran like a race.

Red eyes glowing, looking like a demon,

I said, "Bro, you need protein, what's the reason?"

Got no job, got no house, got no degree,

But apparently he's got beef with the livestock industry.

Hook – Catchy

Chupa, Chupa, Chupacabra!

Why you drinking goats like a piña colada?

Chupa, Chupa, what you doing tonight?

You got three little goats and a terrible bite.

Chupa, Chupa, Chupacabra!

You look like a gremlin with a bad piñata.

Everybody scared, but I'm not afraid,

Unless that little freak comes after my steak.

Verse 2 – Faster Flow

They say he comes at night, that's a weird work schedule,

Bro's got no insurance, no dental, no medical.

Sucking all the blood, leaving livestock dead,

Probably got a LinkedIn that says self-employed instead.

He ain't Dracula, he ain't Frankenstein,

He's a Mexican legend with a terrible design.

Got spikes on his back, looking like a hairbrush,

If he tried to join the army, they'd probably say, "Too much."

My uncle says he's seen him by the highway,

I said, "That's a raccoon, you need glasses, okay?"

He said, "No, mijo, that creature is real!"

Then he chased a Chihuahua and tripped on a wheel.

Hook

Chupa, Chupa, Chupacabra!

Why you drinking goats like a piña colada?

Chupa, Chupa, what you doing tonight?

You got three little goats and a terrible bite.

Verse 3 – Storytelling / Beat Switch

Now I'm in the kitchen, eating leftover rice,

He walks through the window like he pays the price.

I'm holding a tortilla, he's staring at me,

I said, "You want some salsa? It's free."

He looked at my food, then he looked at my face,

I threw him a taco, he ran out of place.

Now we're best friends, he's sleeping on the couch,

My mom walked in and started freaking out.

She said, "¡¿QUÉ ES ESO?!" I said, "That's my pet!"

She said, "Get that thing out before somebody gets bit!"

Now he's got a collar and a little gold chain,

And he only drinks goat milk when it's supposed to rain.

Bridge – Spoken

Ladies and gentlemen...

I have officially domesticated a cryptid.

He's not house-trained.

He ate my Roomba.

But he's family.

Final Verse

Took him to the vet, they said, "What is that?"

I said, "He's a Chupacabra, and he's getting kinda fat."

They said, "We don't treat those, that's not our specialty."

I said, "Well, can you at least check his cholesterol, please?"

Now he's on TikTok, got a million views,

Making more money than my college degree could do.

Got a sponsorship with a Mexican goat farm,

Ironically, the goats are no longer in harm.

Outro

Chupa, Chupa, Chupacabra!

From the mountains straight to your casa.

Started as a legend, now he's on the payroll,

The only monster with a nine-to-five job.

¡JAJAJA!