Technically, The PopTart Started The Fire

Intro

INTRO

Okay, so everybody keeps saying I got fired today, and that's literally not what happened. I was asked to leave. There's a difference. Rebecca said, "Addy, go home." Home... that's not fired. That's directions. Anyway, I started this job four days ago, at some office where people call about bills or appointments or something. They gave me a forty-page handbook. I'm nineteen. I'm not reading a novel for minimum wage.

So, I get there at 8:06, and Rebecca says, "You're late." I said, "No, I'm not." She goes, "You were scheduled at eight." Right... and it's still eight! If they wanted me there exactly at eight, they should've scheduled me at 7:59. That's management. Then, I forgot my employee number, so I used Madison's. Apparently, that's not allowed. Which makes no sense, because we're both employees. Numbers don't belong to people! Rebecca asks why Madison's clocked in. I said, "Maybe she's working remotely." She goes, "Madison works in the warehouse." Okay... and? Warehouses have Wi-Fi. Then, some guy calls yelling about a bill. I said, "Calm down, I didn't charge you." He goes, "I know you didn't personally charge me!" Then why are you yelling at me!? He gives me his account number, but I don't have a pen, so I type it into Google. Rebecca freaks out about privacy. I said, "I didn't press Enter!" So technically, Google doesn't know yet. That's cybersecurity.

Then, Rebecca sends me on break. Perfect, because I haven't slept since yesterday, and my brain feels... sideways. I go outside, and Trevor's randomly in the parking lot. He doesn't even have a job. He just appears near businesses. He goes, "Your pupils are huge." I said, "It's sunny." He goes, "That makes them smaller." Okay... Doctor Trevor. This man microwaved a fork last month. I'm not taking medical advice from him. Anyway, I go back inside, and Rebecca says, "Your break was fifteen minutes. You've been gone forty-two." I said, "Part of that was walking!" She goes, "Walking counts." Since when!? If walking counts as a break, everybody's on break whenever they walk. That's logic.

Then, some woman asks if we accept Visa. I said, "Probably." Rebecca gives me a look, so I correct myself. "Definitely probably." Better customer service. The woman asks for a supervisor, so I put her on hold, and accidentally transfer her to the fax machine. Honestly... kind of impressive. Rebecca asks if I'm okay, because apparently, I'm talking too fast, rearranging papers, and answering the stapler. First of all... the stapler and phone are both black. Anybody could've made that mistake! Then, she asks if I've taken anything. I said, "Red Bull and a vitamin." She asks which vitamin. Why are we doing a medical interview!? HIPAA... ever heard of it? I said, "Vitamin B." Or maybe P. Same part of the alphabet, basically.

Then, Rebecca goes, "Is something burning?" I'm like, "Not anymore." Apparently, before my break, I put a Pop-Tart in the microwave, still in the wrapper. I forgot, because Trevor was outside. Nobody told me the wrapper was metal! Why package food in something that can't go near food-heating equipment!? That's a manufacturing problem. Then, the fire alarm goes off, everybody evacuates, and Rebecca's outside pointing at me. Rude! There were thirty people inside. Could've been anybody's Pop-Tart. A firefighter asks if I put it in the microwave. I said, "Define put." He just stares. So I said, "Physically, yes. But the microwave did the heating." Exactly... Finally, Rebecca says, "Go home. We'll discuss your employment tomorrow." See!? Tomorrow! If I was fired, there wouldn't be a tomorrow. That's literally future employment. Plus, I saved everybody two hours of work, because the fire department shut the building down. You're welcome. Honestly... I should get employee of the month. Or overtime. One of those.