The Ballad of Scuba Steve

Verse

Stubbed my damn toe on the neighbor’s brass spittoon

Tripped over a dog, faceplanted by noon

Yelled at a pigeon, it pooped on my shoe

Beer on my brain and my wallet is through

Lost my old hat, found a slice of dead trout

Somebody’s dentures were grinning about

Cursed out a cat for licking my stout

Swear every pet in this bar wants me out

Ordered a sandwich, bread tasted like socks

Wiped crumbs on my sleeve, then swigged from the box

Ate half a napkin, cut my tongue on the lox

Bartender glared while I fumbled my jocks

Got gum on my seat, now the chair’s got my ass

Some nut spilled vermouth in my watered-down glass

Stepped in a puddle made by Old Man Cass

He shouts, “Drink up, kid, before your brains pass!”

I gave my damn life, lost my pants for a beer

Spilled sauce down my shirt, but hell, I cheer

Sat on a thumbtack, yow! Rear in pain here

I dream of cold drinks, regret in my tears

I snatched me a pint, the barmaid looked queer

She muttered something rude about stains and my leer

I burped a reply, she howled get outta here

I stalked off, tripped, spilled half of my beer

Chucked a shoe through the window, barkeep cursed my guts

My tab's through the ceiling, and my jokes got no butts

Bartender's eyebrow twitching, I'm testing his guts

I fumbled my wallet, then asked for some nuts

I fart on a stool, old Lady June nearly dropped

A chorus of old men shout "That kid should be stopped!"

My language is rotten, not a dime to be mopped

Yet here for another, my ass never cropped

Found the magic lamp, greasy, sticky, it stank

Rubbed like a fool, out popped a genie in tanks

He aimed to escape, but his zipper just sank

I hollered three wishes: "Three beers for my drank!"

Meanwhile, outside, on the pavement so rough

A bum snoozed in Ruba, hands chilly and tough

Behind dumpster heaps, where the trash looks so buff

And Scuba Steve’s waving like life’s not so rough

Beer, beer, and more, that's my rotten old tune

My mug might be cracked, but my brain hits the moon

Duck duck, hold the cheese, throw the beer at the loon

Damn, I’m still thirsty—bartender, come soon!

I gave my damn life, lost my pants for a beer

Spilled sauce down my shirt, but hell, I cheer

Sat on a thumbtack, yow! Rear in pain here

I dream of cold drinks, regret in my tears

I snatched me a pint, the barmaid looked queer

She muttered something rude about stains and my leer

I burped a reply, she howled get outta here

I stalked off, tripped, spilled half of my beer

Chucked a shoe through the window, barkeep cursed my guts

My tab's through the ceiling, and my jokes got no butts

Bartender's eyebrow twitching, I'm testing his guts

I fumbled my wallet, then asked for some nuts

I fart on a stool, old Lady June nearly dropped

A chorus of old men shout "That kid should be stopped!"

My language is rotten, not a dime to be mopped

Yet here for another, my ass never cropped

Found the magic lamp, greasy, sticky, it stank

Rubbed like a fool, out popped a genie in tanks

He aimed to escape, but his zipper just sank

I hollered three wishes: "Three beers for my drank!"

Meanwhile, outside, on the pavement so rough

A bum snoozed in Ruba, hands chilly and tough

Behind dumpster heaps, where the trash looks so buff

And Scuba Steve’s waving like life’s not so rough

Beer, beer, and more, that's my rotten old tune

My mug might be cracked, but my brain hits the moon

Duck duck, hold the cheese, throw the beer at the loon

Damn, I’m still thirsty—bartender, come soon!

Stagger to the juke, slamming coins in the slot

Snagged my coat on a hook, heard the crowd laugh a lot

Wobble to the can, sing a tune while I squat

Smelled rot on my breath, can't remember what's what

Crushed my own toe 'neath a busted old chair

Someone tripped over puke, that was definitely there

Sneezed in my beer, now it's sprinkled with hair

But hey, bottoms up! Like I even still care

A fly in my glass does the backstroke with pride

The bar dog howls, tries to crawl up inside

My belt’s come undone, guess my shame’s amplified

Bartender is weeping, but I’m way too tongue-tied

Knuckles are sticky, my pockets are light

Drunk dialing my boss, slurring threats through the night

Dancing polka with Biff, he’s a sight full of spite

Guess tomorrow I’ll wake in the dumpster, all right

Stagger to the juke, slamming coins in the slot

Snagged my coat on a hook, heard the crowd laugh a lot

Wobble to the can, sing a tune while I squat

Smelled rot on my breath, can't remember what's what

Crushed my own toe 'neath a busted old chair

Someone tripped over puke, that was definitely there

Sneezed in my beer, now it's sprinkled with hair

But hey, bottoms up! Like I even still care

A fly in my glass does the backstroke with pride

The bar dog howls, tries to crawl up inside

My belt’s come undone, guess my shame’s amplified

Bartender is weeping, but I’m way too tongue-tied

Knuckles are sticky, my pockets are light

Drunk dialing my boss, slurring threats through the night

Dancing polka with Biff, he’s a sight full of spite

Guess tomorrow I’ll wake in the dumpster, all right