Ol Mel's Habit

Intro

(Well now)

Uh-huh

(Alright)

Mm-hmm

Wank wank wank wank wank

Verse 1

Now gather round children let old uncle tell

A cautionary tale about a fella named Mel

He sat in his trailer with the curtains drawn tight

And he commenced to wankin every single night

His mama hollered Mel you better cut that out

His daddy hollered son what you fussin about

The whole cul-de-sac could hear him through the wall

Wank wank wank wank till the early mornin call

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

That boy ain't right

Wank wank wank wank wank

Every single night

Dark and funny as a funeral clown

Wank wank wank wank he won't slow it down

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Verse 2

Well the preacher come a-knockin with a bible and a frown

Said son you got a habit gonna drag you straight down

Mel just grinned and reached for the lotion on the shelf

Said reverend I'm the only one I'm hurtin is myself

The sheriff come around with a warrant and a light

Said Mel you been at it since a quarter to five

Mel said officer I'm nearly finished now

Wank wank wank wank and he took a little bow

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

That boy ain't right

Wank wank wank wank wank

Every single night

Lonesome as a hound in a haunted town

Wank wank wank wank he won't slow it down

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Bridge

Now Mel grew old and Mel grew thin

The doctor said boy you been livin in sin

Mel said doc I got a rhythm and it keeps me alive

Wank wank wank wank and I'm gonna survive

(The whole town singin)

Verse 3

Well they put him in the paper and they put him in jail

But a man with a mission ain't about to fail

He wanked in the courtroom he wanked in the cell

He wanked through the verdict and he wanked through the bell

And when Saint Peter met him at the pearly white gate

Said Mel you got a record son it's lookin kinda great

Mel said Pete I got one habit I can't put away

Wank wank wank wank and I'm here to stay

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

That boy ain't right

Wank wank wank wank wank

Every single night

Strange and sad and funny and profound

Wank wank wank wank he won't slow it down

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Outro

So if you see a fella with a far-off stare

And a rhythm in his wrist and a greasy patch of hair

Just tip your hat and mosey on your way

Wank wank wank wank

That's all I got to say

(Goodnight everybody)

Spoken Interlude

(Well now)

Uh-huh

(Alright)

Mm-hmm

Now I reckon some of y'all out there thinkin old Mel got his reward

But let me tell you somethin bout the afterlife, children

It ain't all harps and halos

Sometimes a fella takes his habit with him

(Go on now)

Verse 4

Now Mel got to heaven and he looked around

Said this place is awful quiet for a holy ground

He asked Saint Peter can I get a little room

Pete said son we got a wing that's soundproof too

Mel said that's fine cause I been saved by grace

But I still got a tic and it lives below my waist

So every evenin when the angels start to snore

Wank wank wank wank behind that golden door

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

He made it in

Wank wank wank wank wank

But he can't quit the sin

Reverent as a deacon and twice as loud

Wank wank wank wank he's still proud

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Verse 5

Well the angels filed a grievance with the Lord above

Said the choir can't sing for the shakin of the wall

Jesus walked on down and knocked upon the door

Said Mel I heard you knockin and I come to ask what for

Mel said Lord I been wankin since I was a boy

It's the one thing in this body that still gives me joy

Jesus stood there quiet for a long long while

Then wank wank wank wank and he cracked a smile

Breakdown

(He cracked a smile)

Uh-huh

(He cracked a smile)

Mm-hmm

Wank wank wank wank

Wank wank wank wank

And the cherubs hummin under their breath

Verse 6

Now the devil caught wind of the heavenly racket

Slithered on up in a secondhand jacket

Said Mel you a legend way down in my pit

We got a whole department dedicated to it

We got offices, we got plaques, we got a hall of fame

We even named a category after your name

Mel said Satan that's temptin but I'm home today

Wank wank wank wank and I'm here to stay

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

That boy ain't right

Wank wank wank wank wank

Not day nor night

Sacred as a sermon and cheap as a clown

Wank wank wank wank he won't slow it down

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Verse 7

Well the years rolled by in that holy place

And Mel kept a rhythm and a far-off face

The saints all learned to sleep through the noise

The virgins stuffed their halos in their ears like boys

And God one evenin pulled old Mel aside

Said son you been faithful I ain't gonna lie

I'm gonna give you a mansion with the thickest walls

Wank wank wank wank in the marble halls

Bridge

Now here's the part that gets me every time

Old Mel wanked his way through the pearly clime

He wanked through the rapture he wanked through the flood

He wanked through the trumpet and the bowls of blood

(He just kept on)

Wank wank wank wank

(He just kept on)

Wank wank wank wank

And the whole host singin

Verse 8

So when the final trumpet sounded and the stars fell down

And the righteous got their mansions and their golden crowns

There sat Mel in the corner of the new Jerusalem

Still doin what he does and he ain't ashamed of him

And the children of the kingdom gathered round his knee

Say old man tell us how it's gonna be

And Mel leaned in close with a tear in his eye

Said wank wank wank wank till the day you die

Chorus

Wank wank wank wank wank

That boy ain't right

Wank wank wank wank wank

Every single night

Holy as a hymn and low as a hound

Wank wank wank wank he won't slow it down

Post-Chorus

Wank wank wank wank

Uh-huh uh-huh

Wank wank wank wank

That's what he does

Outro

So if you see a fella in a robe of white

With a rhythm in his wrist in the afterlife light

Just tip your halo and mosey on your way

Wank wank wank wank

That's all I got to say

(Goodnight everybody)

Wank wank wank wank

(Goodnight)

Wank wank wank wank

(Amen)

Wank wank wank wank wank