Track 1

Spoken Word Comedy Routine

Hello everyone! Thanks for coming out tonight.

So, I've been thinking a lot about this new medicine called Artosis. Has anyone heard of it? No?

Well, let me tell you, I've become somewhat... interested in it. And by interested, I mean I can't stop thinking about having Artosis come inside me.

Pause for uncomfortable laughter

I know, I know, it sounds weird when I say it out loud. "I want Artosis to come inside me." But I'm telling you, the relief it brings is unparalleled!

The only strange thing is the delivery method. It's an enema! Can you believe that?

The first time I tried it, I was like, "This feels... unusual." But then the sensation! Oh my goodness!

I find myself thinking about it at inappropriate times. In meetings I'm supposed to be paying attention, but all I can think is "When can Artosis come inside me again?"

More animated

My friends are starting to worry. They say I talk about it too much. But they don't understand!

I need Artosis to come inside me! The pleasure it brings is just... transcendent!

Getting visibly more agitated

You know what? I've started keeping a calendar. Monday: Artosis. Tuesday: Artosis. Wednesday through Sunday? You guessed it! ARTOSIS!

Almost shouting now

Do you think I have a problem? I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM! The only problem is when I DON'T have Artosis come inside me!

Completely frantic

Listen, I'm not leaving this stage until someone gives me some Artosis! I'll stay here all night! I NEED ARTOSIS TO COME INSIDE ME! PLEASE! I'm begging you!

Falls to knees

I'll do anything! ANYTHING! Just give me some Artosis! I haven't had any in THREE HOURS! Don't you understand what that's doing to me?!

Crawling toward audience, completely unhinged

If I don't get Artosis to come inside me RIGHT NOW, I can't be responsible for what happens next!

Stands suddenly, eyes wild

SKRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Drops mic