Premium Disaster Tour

Intro

We packed one bag for paradise —

It vanished before gate five!

Verse 1

I booked a room with ocean views,

The ocean viewed us back.

Our “suite” was someone's garden shed,

With one suspicious snack.

The taxi driver took a shortcut

Through a wedding in the square,

We arrived beneath a conga line

With confetti in our hair.

Pre-Chorus

The sun was hot, the map was wrong —

The map was printed upside down!

We came to rest beside the sea,

And somehow found a cow town!

Chorus

This is our failed summer vacation,

A premium disaster tour!

We lost the bags, we missed the train,

Then lost the train once more!

The guidebook promised “pure relaxation,”

The brochure promised blue —

The only thing that went as planned —

Was getting rained on in the loo!

Hey! Pack your sunscreen, pack your shame,

Adventure knows your name!

Verse 2

I ordered something local,

They brought a living crab.

It signed my napkin with a claw

And stole my travel tab.

I tried to charm a parrot

With a phrase I learned online,

It shouted back my passport number

At the checkout line.

Pre-Chorus

The beach was closed for nesting gulls —

The gulls had better chairs!

They charged us twenty for a pebble

And called it “artisan stairs.”

Chorus

This is our failed summer vacation,

A premium disaster tour!

We lost the bags, we missed the train,

Then lost the train once more!

The guidebook promised “pure relaxation,”

The brochure promised blue —

The only thing that went as planned —

Was getting sunburned through my shoe!

Hey! Pack your sunscreen, pack your shame,

Adventure knows your name!

Bridge

At midnight came a fire alarm —

It was a toaster, nothing more.

We fled downstairs in matching robes —

And locked ourselves outside the door.

A kindly goat became our host,

It ate the room key clean.

We tipped it with a mint —

It asked for seventeen!

Instrumental break

Conversation

Where are the passports?

Inside the beach umbrella!

Where is the umbrella?

On a bus to Barcelona!

Why is there a chicken in the minibar?

Chicken Cluck

— Don’t ask!!!

Final Chorus

This is our failed summer vacation,

The holiday from hell!

We lost the bags, we missed the train,

And rang the wrong hotel!

The guidebook promised “pure relaxation,”

The brochure promised blue —

But every time we cried for help —

The tour guide joined us too!

Hey! Pack your sunscreen, pack your shame,

Adventure knows your name!

We’ll never do this trip again —

Unless the price is free!

And someone else can pack the bags!

Next summer: stay at home with tea!

Outro

Failed vacation, five-star pain,

We’ll laugh about it on the plane!

If we can find the airport gate —

It’s underneath the goat!

— Oh no!!!