The Father's Day

Verse 1

I woke up at dawn, my wife gasped in dismay,

She looked at my face and said, "Oh crap, it’s today!"

She sprinted downstairs, I heard cabinets slam,

She yelled, "Happy Father’s Day, I'll make you a ham!"

I walked to the kitchen, my stomach was roaring,

Ready for breakfast, my excitement was soaring.

But the kitchen was bare, there was no food in sight,

Just a brand-new IKEA box catching the light.

She said, "I forgot to buy groceries, but look what I got!

A massive grill gazebo for your backyard plot!

Set it up in the driveway in ninety-degree heat,

It has four hundred screws and it’s eighty-foot deep!

I need you to build it before it starts raining,

So we can have a cookout!"—man, my sanity's draining.

Chorus 1

Oh, Happy Father’s Day, look at the bounty I got!

An eight-hour construction project out in the lot!

She completely forgot, so she gave me a chore,

Now I'm building a fortress outside the back door!

I don’t want your coupons or your trick-and-switch plays,

Just give me one of those normal, ignored, quiet days!

Verse 2

But the backyard betrayal is the worst part of all

The grass is so high it could swallow a wall

My son swore on Friday, "Dad, relax, you are blessed

I’ll mow the whole lawn while you sit back and rest!"

He looked so sincere, man, I almost believed him

Until Sunday morning when I had to go retrieve him

He was passed out cold, snoring, ignoring my plight

While the weeds in the yard reached a brand-new height

So I pulled the starter cord till my shoulder went crack

Mowing my own present while throwing out my back!

Chorus 2

Oh, Happy Father’s Day, look at the "rest" that I found!

Sweating and pushing through three feet of ground!

Don't promise me favors, don't say "Dad, I got you"

If I'm the one starting up the green John Deere crew!

Your gift was a chore that you swore you would do

Now I'm doing the yard work while barking at you!

Bridge

My daughter yelled, "Daddy, I cleaned up your shed!

I threw out that junk that you keep near the bed!"

I sprinted out back, and my heart nearly stopped,

My jaw hit the concrete, my sanity dropped!

She threw out my vintage oil cans and my gears,

The rusty old bolts I've been hoarding for years!

She organized everything, put it in bins,

And labeled my sockets by "cute smiley grins"!

You all call these "gifts," but let's be totally real,

You're messing with my sanctuary with holiday feel!

(Guitar Solo - played using the high-pitched buzz of an electric weed-wacker)

Verse 3

So thank you for the gazebo that requires a crane,

And the beautifully manicured jungle of pain.

Next year for Father's Day, do me a huge task:

Don't promise me anything, that's all that I ask!

If you want to show love, just step away from the broom

And leave me entirely alone in the room!

Outro

Yeah, Happy Father’s Day from the man on the mower,

I lost an Allen wrench and my spirit is lower.

Hey honey, where's 'Part 4B'? It's missing from the box!

Hey son, get off the computer, you're lazy as rocks!

Wait, where are my ten-millimeter sockets?!

Why are they in a pink basket labeled "shiny things"?!

Happy Father's Day to me!