i KNOW Laws!

Intro

Okay so everybody keeps saying I got banned from Walmart, and that's literally not what happened. I can still go there, I just can't go INSIDE, which is completely different. And technically it wasn't even Walmart, it was the parking lot outside Walmart, which Walmart doesn't own because that's outside. That's public property. I know laws...

My uncle almost became a security guard.

Anyway...

ACT 1

I only went there because Kaylee said Trevor was there buying Sudafed, which immediately was suspicious because Trevor doesn't even have allergies. He has asthma. Or eczema. It's one of the A's.

So, I pull up and there's already a cop sitting there staring directly at me. Not DIRECTLY-directly, because he was facing the other way, but I could tell.

Cops have mirrors.

So, I parked behind a shopping cart so he couldn't see my license plate.

And Kaylee's like, "That's not how vision works."

First of all, Kaylee wears contacts, so I don't think she's qualified to tell me how vision works. Then Trevor comes running out of Walmart carrying a rotisserie chicken and

I'm like, "Where's the Sudafed!?"

And he goes, "What Sudafed!?"

Exactly!

Now we're getting somewhere... So, I follow him across the parking lot and this employee starts yelling,

"Ma'am, you can't leave your car there!"

I said, "It's not my car."

Which technically, was true because, I'm still making payments. The BANK owns it. That's literally economics...duh.

ACT 2

So, then the cop walks over and asks why there's a traffic cone underneath my car.

I'm like, "Probably construction?"

He goes, "You drove over it."

Okay, but how would I know that if it was UNDER the car? Think about it.

Then Kaylee starts yelling from the passenger seat that we need to leave because she has drugs in her purse.

I'm like, "KAYLEE! Why would you SAY that in front of a police officer?!"

And the cop goes, "What drugs?"

And she pulls out Advil...

Seriously...

Advil?!

LAST SCENE

So now I'm furious because I'm thinking we're going to prison over ibuprofen. Then, Trevor comes BACK because apparently, he forgot where he parked, except he's still carrying the chicken, and the cop asks if we know him.

I said:

Absolutely...

Not!

Trevor goes, "You literally texted me twelve times."

That's irrelevant.

Text messages don't prove friendship. Otherwise, I'd be best friends with Domino's. Then another cop pulls up and I'm like,

"See? Backup. I TOLD YOU this was serious."

Turns out she just wanted Starbucks.

Whatever.

So, everybody keeps saying I caused a scene, but actually I prevented one because once I left, there wasn't a scene anymore. That's cause and effect.

Bet.

I learned that in science.

Or court....

Same basic concept...