The Ballad of the Candiru

Well, I went down to the Amazon,

With sunscreen and a beer,

The guide said, "Watch for jaguars,"

I said, "Buddy, I ain't scared."

He said, "There's one more creature

That oughta worry you..."

Then he pointed at the river

And whispered, "(Candiru.)"

**Chorus**

Oh, the candiru, the candiru,

He's tiny, mean, and hard to view,

They say he swims where no fish should—

That little pecker-eatin' devil

From the Amazonian woods.

I'd planned to swim that afternoon,

Just float beneath the sun,

But suddenly my swim trunks felt

Like armor for a gun.

I crossed my legs and backed away,

Said, "What's that ripple there?"

The guide said, "Probably nothing."

I said, "Then you go swimming, Pierre."

**Chorus**

Oh, the candiru, the candiru,

He's got one job he's born to do,

He doesn't want your bait or food—

He's looking for a doorway

Where no doorway ever should.

Now scientists insist the tale

Is mostly make-believe,

"There's barely any evidence—

Relax, roll up your sleeves."

But "barely any evidence"

Ain't comforting to me—

There's barely any evidence

My parachute won't leave!

So I stood fifty feet from shore

And peed behind a tree,

A mosquito bit me on the ass—

Still better, far as I can see.

I'll swim with sharks, I'll hug a bear,

I'll wrestle a kangaroo—

But I ain't skinny-dipping

Anywhere near a candiru.

**Final Chorus**

Oh, the candiru, the candiru,

That story may not even be true,

But I've only got one tackle box,

And buddy, parts are hard to screw

Back on when some Amazon catfish

Makes a fishin' hole of you.