Lyrics
[INTRO - HOST TALKING]
Alright, welcome back to the Midnight Dumpster Fire
I'm your host and it's 2:13 AM
We're doing our favorite segment tonight
Listener Mail
God I love this part of the show
Let's see what you sick fucks sent me today
[EMAIL 1]
First one's from xXTrollKing69Xx
Subject line just reads "you suck"
Real thoughtful, real eloquent
He writes
"Yo host your show is fucking garbage
You sound like you record from your mom's basement
Your voice makes me want to drive my car into a ditch
Quit radio
No for real
Uninstall your microphone
Go back to whatever hole you crawled out of"
[EMAIL 2]
Okay
Great start
Real strong opener
That's the energy I'm looking for
Next up is from RealListenerNotTrolling
At all
Dot com
Classy
"Dear dipshit
I've been listening for three weeks straight
And you've lost me two brain cells per episode
You're boring
You're washed up
Your takes are dogshit
Go get a real job you clown
This isn't a show it's a hostage situation"
[EMAIL 3]
This one's from Mike
Just Mike
One name
Like a serial killer
He writes
"Host is a fraud
You read Wikipedia for ten minutes and call it a show
I could probably load a dishwasher with more drama
You couldn't entertain a dead cat
Fuck you
And fuck this station
And fuck the person who gave you this slot"
[EMAIL 4]
Oh this one's a long one folks
This is a novel
From TotallyYourBiggestFan
Says
"You absolute moron
I hope your mic breaks and your chair collapses
I hope your coffee cup tips over on your notes
Every time you open your mouth I can feel my IQ dropping
Like a stone
You're the worst host this city has ever had
Please log off forever you pathetic loser
Your mother would be ashamed
If she had any idea this is what you do at night"
[EMAIL 5]
Okay hold on
There's one more
This one's unsigned
Just says "I know where you sleep"
Oh that's sweet
That's the kind of fan mail I live for
"I've highlighted your commuter route
I've mapped your grocery store
One of these nights I'm gonna call in
And we're gonna have a real conversation
About why you still have a job"
[EMAIL 6]
And a final one
From KarenAt3AM
"I've complained to your boss three times
I've complained to the FCC twice
I've complained to God once
And he hasn't answered either
Which tells me you're a punishment from above
For something we did in a past life
Turn your show off
Or I'm calling the police myself"
[OUTRO - HOST TALKING]
And that's all the time we have for tonight folks
Keep the hate mail coming
You beautiful assholes
I read it all
I treasure it
I print it out and stick it to my bathroom mirror
I'll be back tomorrow night
Same time
Same dumpster
To read more reasons why I should probably switch careers
Good night
Sleep tight
Don't let the bedbugs bite
And if you're driving home
Keep your eyes on the road
And your middle finger pointed right at me
I'll see you tomorrow
I guess