This is the News and Weather

Verse 1

Good morning

This is the eight o’clock report on a Tuesday

A local man found a giant turnip in his backyard garden

He says it looks like his late Uncle Arthur

The police are still looking for that missing bicycle

The one with the squeaky left pedal and the wicker basket

Councilor Higgins has proposed a tax on very loud shoes

He claims they disturb the afternoon naps of the local cats

Traffic is backed up because a family of ducks is crossing Main Street

Slowly

Very slowly

Chorus

This is the news

Your daily update on the things that happen

The things that matter to nobody but us

This is the news

Stay tuned for the weather report

Stay tuned for the truth

Verse 2

Now for the weather

Expect a heavy downpour of grey clouds by noon

Maybe some sun

But probably not much

The wind will blow from the east at a moderate pace

It might knock over a plastic lawn chair or two

Carry an umbrella just in case

A sturdy one

The cheap ones always flip inside out when you need them

Temperatures will hover around lukewarm

Dress in layers

Possibly wool

Or maybe just a light jacket if you feel brave

Chorus

This is the news

Your daily update on the things that happen

The things that matter to nobody but us

This is the news

Stay tuned for the weather report

Stay tuned for the truth

Bridge

Wait

Breaking news just coming in over the wire

The local bakery has run out of cinnamon swirls

Citizens are advised to remain calm

Please do not panic

Substitute with a scone if necessary

I repeat

Scones are an acceptable alternative for the next hour

Chorus

This is the news

Your daily update on the things that happen

The things that matter to nobody but us

This is the news

Stay tuned for the weather report

Stay tuned for the truth

Outro

That concludes our broadcast for this morning

I have been your announcer

Have a pleasant day

Don't forget your hat

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye