I Fought The Battle But I Lost The War

Verse 1

It was early in the morning, sun was barely in the sky

Had a little time to kill, so I figured I'd stop by

At the local corner store, I met some buddies of mine

We were shooting the breeze and having a real good time

Two cups of coffee, one delicious donut

Didn't think too much about what I was putting on it

I said, "Well boys, I gotta get on down the road."

Jumped in my truck and headed toward my load

Pre-Chorus

But somewhere down the highway

My stomach started to roar

It sounded like a freight train

Coming through my abdominal floor!

Chorus

Oh Lord, I lost the war!

I couldn't hold it anymore!

There was a rumble, then a thunderclap

And suddenly I knew I was in deep crap!

I called my boss, said, "I can't make it today."

Then hauled my sorry backside home right away

Oh Lord, what a day, what a terrible score

I fought the battle

But I lost the war!

[Verse 2}

Well, I made it home in record-breaking time

But there was one little problem that wasn't so fine

My truck smelled like something had died in the back

I rolled down the windows, and I picked up the slack

I thought to myself, " Well, surely that's the end."

Tomorrow I'll be normal, I'll be whole again.

But fate had a funny little trick up it's sleeve

Chorus

Oh Lord, I lost the war!

I couldn't hold it anymore!

There was a rumble, then a thunderclap

And suddenly I knew I was in deep crap!

I called my boss, said, "I can't make it today."

Then hauled my sorry backside home right away

Oh Lord, what a day, what a terrible score

I fought the battle

But I lost the war!

Verse 3

Next morning I woke up feeling pretty good

Made a big breakfast like a good man should

Everybody ate it, everybody smiled

Everybody went about their day for a while

I cleaned up the kitchen, feeling proud of myself

Put the dishes away and straightened up the shelf

Then I felt that rumble that I knew all too well

My stomach started ringing like a firehouse bell!

Pre-Chorus

I said, "Not today!"

No, sir, not me!"

I made a mad dash

For the porcelain throne, you see

But when I got there

My heart hit the floor

Somebody is already

In the bathroom, locked door

Chorus

Oh Lord, I lost the war!

I couldn't hold it anymore!

I was pacing in the hallway

Praying to the bathroom door

I squeezed my cheeks together

I fought with all my might

I said, "Lord, give me five minutes

I'll be alright!

But fate don't negotiate

And mercy kept no score

I fought the battle

But I lost the war!

Bridge

Back and forth, back and forth

Like a soldier on patrol

Sweat running down my forehead

Fear deep in my soul

I was clenching like a champion

I was fighting like a king

But when nature calls your number

There ain't much you can bring!

The bathroom door finally opened

But it was already too late

I knew right then and there

That I had sealed my fate!

Breakdown-Spoken

"Whoever's in that bathroom...

I hope you enjoyed it

Because I sure didn't."

Final-Chorus

Oh Lord, I lost the war!

I couldn't hold it anymore!

There was a rumble, there was a roar

And history was made right here on the floor

I tried to be a hero

I tried to stand tall

But sometimes when nature calls

You just gotta take the fall!

Oh Lord, what a battle

What a terrible score!

I fought and I fought

Till I couldn't fight no more!

Outro

So, if you're drinking coffee

And you're eating donuts too.

And your stomach starts to rumble

Here's what I'd advise you to do

Don't wait for the warning

Don't gamble with fate

And if somebody's in the bathroom

You better not wait!!!

Oh Lord...

I lost the war!

Yeah, I lost the war!

Somebody get the Febreze

I'm never eating donuts anymore!

End