Teach Yourselves Well

Chorus

Teach yourselves well, reach for the stars,

Most importantly, stay out of those bars.

A word to the wise before your next drink,

Karma is a bitch, so you oughta think.

Verse 1

My back hurts like someone beat me with a stick,

And I just got outta bed!

My stomach feels like I’m getting sick,

Or else it’s all in my head.

I don’t believe I was in this much torment

When I was just a drunk.

Someone threw me in the lake, wrapped up with cement.

I have all the signs of being a pile of dung.

Chorus

Teach yourselves well, reach for the stars,

Most importantly, stay out of those bars.

A word to the wise before your next drink,

Karma is a bitch, so you oughta think.

Verse 2

I guess you could say it was the taco that I ate

Just before I laid down.

To be honest, I believe it really was eight.

The sauce I think was brown?

You could say I need to eat better,

And exercise a bit,

But I’ve never been a good go-getter.

I have more excuses, but I really need to spit.

Chorus

Teach yourselves well, reach for the stars,

Most importantly, stay out of those bars.

A word to the wise before your next drink,

Karma is a bitch, so you oughta think.

Verse 3

Age is tackling me just about every which way.

My head aches to my toes.

I thought getting older just meant a little more gray,

And I am in its throes.

My heart is heavy, and my lungs are filled

With mucus very dense.

I drink my prune juice, slightly chilled.

The doctor said to, in self, defense.

Chorus

Teach yourselves well, reach for the stars,

Most importantly, stay out of those bars.

A word to the wise before that next drink,

Karma is a bitch, so you oughta think.

Verse 4

I’m gonna sit down and watch me some Columbo,

And maybe Barnaby Jones.

And I think if I’m doing better by tomorrow,

I’ll get some ice cream cones.

Damned, I’ve got a splinter in my pinky

I do hate to complain.

I suppose I got it when I reached for that Twinkie

From behind my kitchen drain.

Chorus

Teach yourselves well, reach for the stars,

Most importantly, stay out of those bars.

A word to the wise before that next drink,

Karma is a bitch, so you oughta think.