Lyrics
[verse 1] King Henry the Eighth had an aide of dire duty—
The Groom of the Stool: royal wiper of doodie.
Though the title was crude
And the position assumed, lewd,
Still inspo enough to endure all the pootie.
[verse 2] In the corridors rang the court’s ribald laughter,
A chorus of snickers at his fecal rapture.
They cried "It's a farce"
to be paid to wipe arse;
to address a king's digestive disaster.
[verse 3] Yet stoic he stood while the court joked,
Through the jabs, he remained un-provoked.
For the money incurred
made up for foul turd–
He'd shine royal ass till he croaked.
[outro] [spoken] butt, as the years wiped away, nearly rect'em
It's true Henry VIII employed a male "groom of stool" to "assist in his toileting needs" - One holding this position was paid what would be today's equivalent of 2.5 MILLION dollars annually!
The groom of the stool also monitored the king's diet and bowel movements, was responsible to report any fecal concerns to the royal physician.
Who knew?