Expect The End

I was raised where the sunlight died,

With a thousand words I kept inside.

No arms to catch me when I fell,

Just empty rooms and a private hell.

I learned to sleep with the silence loud,

To disappear inside a crowd.

Nobody taught me how to feel,

Or how to know if something's real.

I never knew what safe could mean,

Never had a place to call my dream.

I grew up thinking love was pain,

And every goodbye was just the same.

So don't tell me that I'm worth saving,

When I've spent my life just barely breathing.

You can't teach a heart what it never knew,

Or make it believe that love is true.

I was born to expect the ending,

Raised on a love that never came.

I've been drowning in a world of shadows,

With nobody to blame but yesterday.

I don't know how to let you hold me,

I don't know how to let you in.

Every time you get too close to loving me,

I start preparing for the end again.

I'm not afraid of being broken,

I've been broken all my life.

I'm just a man who never learned

What it feels like to be loved right.

You say you love me, I look away,

I search for the words you won't say.

I read abandonment between your lines,

And see a thousand endings in your eyes.

I turn affection into suspicion,

Make every touch a contradiction.

You reach for me, I pull away,

Then hate myself for pushing you away.

How do I explain this kind of fear?

When being wanted feels unfamiliar here.

I crave the warmth, but I freeze inside,

Like something beautiful is something I can't survive.

I'm fighting ghosts you cannot see,

From a childhood that never let me be.

What if I don't know how to be loved?

What if I'm too far gone to understand?

What if the little boy inside me

Still waits for someone to take his hand?

He never wanted to be fearless,

He just wanted someone to stay.

He never wanted all the answers,

He just wanted to be loved someday.

And nobody came...

Nobody came...

I was born to expect the ending,

And I've never known another way.

I've been waiting for the walls to crumble,

For the ones I love to walk away.

I don't know how to stop the running,

I don't know how to silence what's within.

I'm still that boy beneath the wreckage,

Still waiting for the end to begin.

I'm so tired of being guarded,

So tired of pretending I'm alright.

I don't want to spend forever

Mistaking darkness for my life.

If there's a part of me worth saving,

If there's a heart beneath this skin,

I wish somebody could have shown me

How to let the fucking love in.

I never learned how to be loved...

I only learned how to survive.

And somewhere in the darkness...

There's still a little boy

Who doesn't understand why.

Why nobody stayed.

Why nobody saw.

Why he had to learn

To live without love at all.