owed to my Christmas balls

Intro

Screw the carolers outside, they're singing off-key

All I want for Christmas is a bottle just for me

Dragging out the boxes, time for yearly fights

And cursing at the garland while I'm stringing up the lights

Verse 1

Tree won't fit the corner, burns another fuse

With every damn extension cord, I'm bound to blow a fuse

Neighbors peek in jealous, acting so appalled

But they're secretly admiring my massive Christmas balls

Chorus

Owed to my Christmas balls, hanging up with pride

Glittering in the window for every friend outside

Tinsel wrapped around them, shining on the wall

Everyone's admiring my splendid Christmas balls

Verse 2

Last year the cat attacked them, knocked them to the floor

Shattered glass and plastic rolling out the door

Neighbor came a-knocking, asking what the fuss

Told him, Christmas comes with chaos, deal with all the dust

Pre-Chorus

Hands off my ornaments, don't touch what you can't handle

Each one is a treasure, might even cause a scandal

Chorus

Owed to my Christmas balls, every single year

Polished up and gleaming, spreading tacky cheer

Cherished through the ages, hung where all can see

Can't nobody top the balls that mean the most to me

Verse 3

Auntie sips her whiskey, slips and lets a curse

She grabs my biggest bauble, drops it in her purse

Uncle makes a comment, rude as he can be

Starts comparing sizes, cackles drunkenly

Bridge

Snow is falling, tempers flaring, swearing at the tree

Someone shouts, "Your tiny balls ain't half as big as me!"

Tangled up in garland, cursing all the way

Merry filthy Christmas, chaos on display

Outro

So here's to every Christmas, loud and messy halls

May your tree be standing tall despite your busted balls

Family's overrated, but I'll deck these hallowed halls

To hell with shiny presents—here's my Christmas balls

Tag

Eggnog stains the carpet, cousin starts a fight

Grandpa's at the table yelling through the night

Lights are burning brighter, someone slipped and fell

That's the price you pay for decking halls to hell

Verse 4

Socks hang from the mantel, dripping cheap red wine

Dirty jokes and secrets tossed in every line

Underneath the tinsel, chaos never ends

Another year, another mess with barely sober friends

Ending

Raise a toast to chaos, toast to busted balls

Forget your stupid carols, I got stories for these walls

Let 'em gawk and wonder, let 'em snicker too

Christmas balls and dirty minds—the only thing that's true

Bonus Verse

Crap stuck in the carpet, candy canes are bent

Half the bulbs are busted, tree looks damn near spent

Cursing out the snowmen, yelling at the frost

Wishing I was sober—counting up the cost

Final Tag

Screw your plastic angels, shove your reindeer too

My Christmas balls are legendary, everyone else is screwed

If you're here for manners, get the hell on out

It's a filthy festive circus—joy is what it's about