Guided Meditation For Dummies #1

Intro - whisper

Welcome back

You are here

Unfortunately

Let's begin by doing absolutely nothing

But professionally

Relax your shoulders

Relax your jaw

Relax your elbows

They are trying too hard

Relax your taxes

Let them go

Verse 1 - The Body Scan

Now breathe in for four seconds

Hold for seven business days

Breathe out for whenever

Good

Scan your body from the top your head

Do you feel that

That's your head

Your forehead

Unclench it

Thinking too hard about lunch

Your left nostril

Thank it for its service

Your right nostril

It has beef with the left one

Let them negotiate

Chorus - The Counting

Now to clear your mind

We will count together

To four hundred twenty-two thousand

Eight hundred thirty-four

We will start

One

Two

Three

You get the idea

Verse 2 - The Arrangement

I will leave you here

For the next six to eight months

While you finish

If you lose count

You must start again

From negative seventeen

That's the rule

I didn't make it

If counting is too hard

Just count the dust particles

In this room

Four hundred twenty-two thousand

Eight hundred thirty-four

What a coincidence

Chorus - The Counting

Now to clear your mind

We will count together

To four hundred twenty-two thousand

Eight hundred thirty-four

We will start

One

Two

Three

You get the idea

Verse 3 - Visualization

Now visualize you are a houseplant

You pay rent

You have anxiety about sunlight

Someone forgot to water you in 2019

And you still remember

You are doing great

Imagine a river made of lukewarm chamomile tea

In the river floats your to-do list

Let it float away

It can't swim

On the bank sits a wise potato

Listen to what the potato has to say

The potato says nothing

Potatoes are excellent listeners

Bridge - Advanced Techniques

If a thought enters your mind

Politely ask it to leave a voicemail

If another thought enters

Put it on hold

Your mental call center is experiencing high volume

Now try to levitate

Just a little

Like one inch

Didn't work

Perfect

That's humility

You're enlightened now

Outro - Wake Up

Slowly bring your awareness back to the room

Wiggle your fingers

Wiggle your toes

Wiggle your unresolved childhood memory

From two thousand eight

When you are ready

Open your eyes

You are still here

But now you are calm

Centered

And you have counted

To four hundred twenty-two thousand

Eight hundred thirty-four

For no reason

Namaste