Kansas Malamute

Oh hey! Hey man, you again huh? Second time in two weeks same time... that's kismet or somethin'. Still got your work clothes on too, I see that. Yeah me too, grease all over this shit from the grill. Can't get it out but I try anyway, you know? Gotta try.

Hey ....did you walk up the hill on the way here?

I used to hitchhike in Kansas, there weren't any hills there. Flat as a dinner plate. Flatter than a dinner plate flatter than the dinner plates at the diner where I work actually 'cause those got chips in 'em. The owner's too cheap to replace 'em. But Kansas? flat. No hills. There was a dog though.

And it almost bit me.

It MIGHT of! I mean it might HAVE ...might have bit me. Teeth this big, I swear to Christ. It might have been a malamute. I'm sure it was a malamute. Had that face, you know? A face like a person. My great uncle Wally used to breed dogs ...shepherds mostly, some terriers, but he ain't never seen a malamute. Never seen one in his life and he bred dogs for forty-two years.

Gramma Milly said he was a pervert.

She just said "Wally's a pervert" and nobody asked follow-up questions 'cause that's how Gramma Milly was. She had a cat named Scooter that walked her to the station where she got her beer and cigarettes. Every day, same time. Four-thirty PM, rain or shine. And she put salt on her beer. You ever seen that? Salt on beer?

And Scooter smoked cigars.

You think I'm lying!

I can see it on your face, you think I'm lying! You're an asshole!

...It's okay. I'm over it.

Hey aren't you going to neutralize your laundry's fluoride levels with tinfoil balls?

What?

You're NOT?

You're a crazy asshole?!

...That's okay. I'm over it.

But you Should, man. it gets in the fabric. Gets in the Threads. You wash your clothes, you think you're cleaning 'em but you're actually Coating them in fluoride and then you wear 'em and it gets in your SKIN through osmosis or ...what's the other one? Diffusion? One of those. Science.

I was chewing tinfoil the other day ...just a little piece, wasn't thinking about it, and my teeth started receiving signals. Not like voices or nothin', don't look at me like that. Just... frequencies. Hums. The government hums at a specific frequency, did you know that? Thirty-seven hertz. Or maybe it was seventy-three. One of those.

Hey do you need some tinfoil to make the little balls that neutralize the fluoride in your laundry?

I got extra. I always carry extra. Dark clothes need more 'cause the dye holds fluoride better. That's science. The balls bounce around in there and they absorb the fluoride through ionic exchange. Or magnetic resonance. One of those science things.

You're looking at me weird again.

That's okay! I'm over it.

I'm Used to it.